I live with my step-mom
and my aunt, who both smoke. They smoke outside and in the car sometimes. My
problem is that they smoke right outside the sliding door, which is the only
path for my one-year old daughter to get to the backyard, and they are almost
constantly out there. They take up the only patio furniture and they leave the
butts and all their other accessories on the low table so my daughter can never
be in that area. If they are watching her they may hold the cigarette in one hand
and help her with the other, and that is just way too close for comfort to
being burned and exposed to secondhand smoke. They also will smoke outside the
car if the baby or I go with them somewhere, but they will leave the car door
or windows open so we can socialize while we all get cancer.
As you can tell,
this topic still frustrates me. I do everything I can to keep my daughter safe
and as healthy as she can be and I feel like it is thrown in my face by
exposing us both to these horrible chemicals. They are both educated adults so
it just doesn't make sense to me. But to help with this conflict there are two
approaches I could take; Non Violent Communication and the Third Side.
Using NVC I could
honestly express myself without attacking my family. The fourth skill in NVC
states, "requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and
specifically states what we want" (www.cnvc.org). I could hope that by
communicating my needs clearly, without tension, and specifically that my
family would listen and do their best to meet those needs.
Another approach,
that I think is much more likely to be successful, puts most of the
responsibility on my understanding their perspective. If I use 3S to
understanding their side of the argument I could come to the realization that
they are not out there smoking all the time and that we could go play somewhere
else for the few minutes they take to smoke a cigarette. I could also be
understanding that they want to continue talking to us when they stop to smoke
in the car. We could get out of the car and stand out of the smoke range to
talk with them.
If anyone else
has any further input and advice on this situation I would appreciate it. I
enjoy my family's company but the safety of my baby girl comes first.
Jen,
ReplyDeleteI understand your point of view. I know you love your step-mom and your aunt. They must look out for you, and for your daughter, however; I think it's time for you to move on and be happy in your own space. Or, they can compromise and don't smoke when you and your child are around. I wish you all the best.
Tamarah
Jennifer,
DeleteI literally understand your pain. This is why I do not be around the majority of my family. We would get into an argument. They would tell me, "We are going to all die from something." I do not like that statement. I would rather have a choice. Just because you would like to die from cancer doesn't mean or require you to let society die from it.
I resolved my issue by not going around my family daily. I am not saying that this is good for you. I pray that the resources that we are studying can help you filter through your problem. I will keep you and your family in prayer. It would be nice if they would consider chewing that gum for smokers when you and the baby are around. Also, be mindful of cleaning the cigarette butts up so your child would not place them in his or her mouth.
Chere'e
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your position. I have a brother in law and his wife who smoke and they have two small children, (one 2 and the other 4). I know that they are fully aware of the dangers they have been putting their children as they have "tried" to quit, but do get bothered because I know that their are healthy problem on a smaller scale then cancer that could affect my nieces such as asthma. I agree that the 3 R's would be a great approach take. They need to understand, that you have a responsibility to be responsive to your daughter's need and the role that they play in assisting you to manage that successfully. Best wishes!